Guest Post

“Mom, my stomach hurts….I don’t want to go today.”  

These powerful words from my sweet little daughter echoing through our car as we sat outside her school one morning were an important part of our successful journey from traditional school to homeschooling to help her thrive.  

It was not an easy journey primarily because, for years, I devalued my intuition and ignored gut instincts because I wanted to “do the right thing” for my daughter.  This meant enrolling her in traditional preschool because everyone around me said that’s the expected thing when a child turns four.  I kept her in this traditional school setting through 2nd grade until the signs, signals, and physical manifestations of stress for both of us became too loud to continue to push down and ignore.  My wish for you is that reading our story will give you the permission slip you need to fully acknowledge what you are feeling and get creative about the specific needs of your own precious child.  My beautiful, creative, sensitive daughter is now twenty years old and thriving at a fantastic University.  She looks back on our homeschooling years from 3rd through 9th grade as the happiest of times together.  

Customizing things to allow a sensitive child to thrive should be celebrated as a gift that we have the power to do!  It should never be seen as “catering to their every whim” in a negative sense.  Sensitive and neurodivergent children are often forced into circumstances that were not designed for them to flourish. Many current educational systems exist simply because “that is how it has always been done.”  The people who set up the educational systems often did so with the best intentions using broad strokes.  However, recognizing, acknowledging, and supporting sensitive & neurodivergent children's individualized needs is still evolving as a new concept.  Customization is key whenever possible! 

I knew from my own traumatic school experiences growing up as a very sensitive, introverted child that a huge, crowded, bustling public school environment was not going to be the best fit for my creative, introverted little girl.  I did my usual perfectionist-level research and found what I thought was the perfect solution: a little private school that had small class sizes and a wonderful art program.  There were also daily walks in fresh air to a nearby park to play.  Raising an only child, I knew in my heart that it was important for her to have interaction with other kids regularly and this seemed to tick all the boxes of what should be considered “good for her.”  Off we went that fall to half-day pre-K, with the understanding that when she turned five years old, it would become full-day Kindergarten and then on from there through 5th grade at this school. That was the plan based on what society told me I should do. 

There were components of her school day that were joyful and exciting to her, which was wonderful, but looking back, I can see how that muddied the waters for me when I felt uncomfortable about intermittent experiences as each month went forward.  Being at the highest end of the HSP spectrum, I can intensely feel the emotions of others around me.  I sometimes think of myself as an echo chamber for whatever emotion is happening in each conversation I am in, in each room I am in.  I would visit her school and feel uneasy.  I sensed things weren’t right but couldn’t put my finger on exactly what. I pushed all this down and blamed it on my own frets about letting my only child be away from me in the care of people I didn’t really know that well yet.  At the time, I knew nothing about being an HSP or HSP Empath or that “being sensitive” was anything other than something to be eradicated.  I heard the same message all the time growing up: “You are too sensitive, and you need to get a tougher shell.”  No one told me that HSPs have the gift of perception that can help us in every possible way! We just need the courage to listen to our instincts.

As I began to volunteer at the school, more discomfort was bubbling to the surface.  I started to have feelings of dread myself when dropping her off.  As time went on, specific things began to surface more clearly - I often encountered specific staff members that left me sobbing or trembling in our car.  My daughter was having issues with painful canker sores in her mouth and other physical manifestations of stress that I was not linking together yet with the school-related stress.  Looking back, her intuition and my intuition were doing their very best to get our full attention!  

Volunteering at your child’s school is a wonderful way to assess what is actually happening and help sort through your own (or your child’s) worries of separation anxiety - which can be excruciating until it normalizes. I genuinely wanted to help the school thrive as well as ease my daughter’s fears about walking through the doors each morning.  

One huge turning point came when I got a call from the school secretary at home wanting to let me know about a “problem” with my daughter’s behavior at lunchtime that she and the staff were “very concerned about.” I felt my palms grow sweaty as I listened to her describing that my daughter’s “problem” in their eyes was that she was choosing to retreat to the comfy little library space to sit in a beanbag and read a book after eating her lunch.  They assessed that her deciding not to stay in the huge auditorium space where rowdy boys were throwing plastic building blocks at each other, kids were banging loudly on the piano keys, and all kinds of shouting was going on while jumping off the edge of the little stage at the back of the room was she was being “anti-social.”  I volunteered there, helping to serve lunch one day a week, and found it unbearably chaotic. I often went back to my car with my head throbbing, aching for the quiet solace of my own company, driving home in blissful silence.  As soon as this woman described my daughter’s need for quiet time to read a book as something alarming to them, as being “anti-social behavior,” I felt that I could no longer ignore the school’s inability to support my daughter’s needs.  Imagine shaming a child for wanting to get lost in a book during her few moments of free time in the school building.  I remembered my own elementary school days, befriending the school librarian to help her dust the bookshelves as a way of avoiding being on the chaotic playground where exercise time consisted of a game called “sokum” where everyone lined up against a wall and took turns kicking a big rubber ball at each other.  It terrified me.  Once again, not everyone’s idea of “fun times” is the same.  

 The final death knell for this school setting was when I arrived to pick her up and found her sitting at the “time out table” outside the school secretary’s office.  This was a table reserved for children who were misbehaving and removed from the classroom to await their parent's/caregivers’ arrival to have a disciplinary meeting with the school principal. I was shocked to see my warm, friendly, well-behaved little girl sitting there waiting for me. What could she have possibly done to be sent to the discipline table?  When I discovered the reason, it became clear that this school setting was no longer feasible for us.  The new 2nd grade Language Arts (English) teacher sent her out of the room because she already knew all the second-grade spelling words for the spelling test and told my daughter it would be “too much work”  to create a “special spelling list just for you.”  Her former Language Arts teacher had spent the last four years creating all sorts of little custom projects for my daughter and delighted in the fact that she was an early reader with an affinity for spelling and vocabulary.  That was one of the key factors for us staying so long - this woman really “got” my child.  

Having a child feel thoroughly understood and having their natural interests encouraged and celebrated is the key to making education a lifelong, joyful experience.  Don’t we all want to raise kids who grow into adults eager to learn about the world around them and infused with the idea that people’s natural abilities are gifts - not burdens to be squashed?  

To wrap up my homeschooling journey, the summer after 2nd grade, I took my daughter to be tested at the local University to find ideas to help with the issues she had been having in 2nd-grade math class.  We were lucky enough to meet the delightful 65-year-old woman who ran the Education Center and was just getting ready to retire after over 40 years of education.  She spent several hours with my daughter and told me, “Your daughter is very gifted and tests far above grade level in math as well as other subjects.”  Of course everyone thinks their child is gifted and smart - and I truly believe that each child is born with special gifts that just need to be encouraged to bloom and flourish.  We discovered together that my child also had a toxic environment in her math classroom that left her frightened to speak and terrified to make a mistake.  I learned through my research that HSPs are often perfectionists, and with that comes a fear of making mistakes.  This was one of many things we addressed in our homeschooling years by allowing my daughter to guide topics of interest and do her “deep dives” of research at her own pace. I got everything I could get my hands on for whatever subject fascinated her - from books to documentaries and then got out of her way! Don’t be afraid to get creative with materials if they light your child up! 

Keeping an open mind and heart about what we ultimately feel is best for our child is a tremendously powerful gift we can give ourselves as parents and caregivers.  Use your intuition as your own North Star; it will never guide you wrong.  

My experience trying to find materials that would resonate with my daughter and my years reading aloud to wonderful, sensitive children of all ages led me to collaborate with Julie Bjelland LMFT on our children’s book series, The Adventures of Niko, the Highly Sensitive Dog, created specifically to help sensitive and neurodivergent children find the joyful feeling of acceptance.  We were thrilled to see it reach #1 in newly released children’s books! I hope these characters will serve as a magical mirror where they can see the wonderful and unique aspects of themselves reflected back in a comforting, supportive way.  Perhaps consider donating a copy to your school library or child’s classroom to help create a gentle ripple effect of worldwide acceptance that we all longed for growing up.   Learn more about our book series here: www.SensitiveNiko.com

I also want to invite you to join me and my Co-Host, Carolina Mariposa (a wonderful therapist specializing in supporting sensitive children), at our Intuitive Parenting events, which are held regularly inside the Sensitive Empowerment Community. These are warm, welcoming gatherings where we share topics designed to support parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers, and all caregivers of sensitive little ones. Everyone is welcome. You can find helpful summaries of previous discussions in the “Intuitive Parenting” section in the Replay Library of Sensitive Empowerment Community.

Carol Huckle co-authors the new children’s book series, The Adventures of Niko, the Highly Sensitive Dog, and co-hosts “Intuitive Parenting” events inside the Sensitive Empowerment Community to support caregivers of sensitive little ones.  As a volunteer Children’s Librarian leading pre-K through 5th-grade reading groups, she often wished for books with characters that reflected the unique traits of bright, sensitive children.  An introverted child, Carol’s favorite books were her best friends, inspiring the character Buttercup.  Buttercup’s passion for research was inspired by Carol’s daughter, whose literary explorations discovered the unique, joyful dance of the blue-footed booby.  This inspired the wonderfully extroverted character Blueberry.  Carol is thrilled to collaborate with Julie in creating characters that celebrate being their authentic, unique selves!

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Host of The HSP and Neurodivergent Blog

Julie Bjelland, LMFT, is a mom, licensed psychotherapist, and founder of Sensitive Empowerment. She specializes in supporting sensitive and neurodivergent individuals. Julie is dedicated to spreading awareness about the value of neurodivergence, fostering understanding and acceptance of differences, and teaching tools to reduce vulnerability to mental and physical health challenges. Recognizing the importance of early education and tools, her heartfelt children's book series featuring her sweet and sensitive dog, Niko, provides essential support to help children flourish. Autistic and sensitive, Julie drew inspiration from her experiences to create the character Juju. Explore her extensive resources at JulieBjelland.com.