As highly sensitive people (HSPs), we can sometimes struggle with communication when we are feeling emotional. When the emotional part of the brain is overactive, our cognitive brain starts to shut down. When that happens, we can’t take in any new information and we might struggle to find the right words. It’s even fascinating how our brain can misinterpret what someone else is saying too when we are feeling intensely emotional!

So how can we communicate and feel heard?

The following communication tool will help you feel heard and meet your needs in your relationships, friendships, and work. 

One of the best communication tools comes from the Gottman Method, backed by decades of research about couples. I also love that they included gay and lesbian couples in their research. One of the most effective ways to communicate is using the speaker-listener method. I have found this method helpful for highly sensitive people especially. Each person has time to be the speaker and the listener. The listener takes notes while listening, which helps keep emotional conversations more on track because writing engages the cognitive brain, which prevents the emotional brain from taking over. Both the speaker and the listener have rules and roles. 

The goal is for each person to express themselves and be heard and understood. 

Body language in the listener is important. You are not a good listener if you roll your eyes or interrupt. If you can speak calmly to each other, you can try some of these steps on your own, but if there is volatility or your emotional brain takes over, it will be easier and more effective to do this with a therapist. 

The speaker and the listener need to be calm for this speaker-listener exercise to be effective. If you are upset or emotional while speaking, it will be harder for the listener to understand you. It will be hard to listen objectively if you are upset as the listener. So your first job is self-care to be calm (meditation, taking a walk in nature, seeing your therapist, journal, talking to a friend, etc.).

3 Steps of the Speaker 

1. Tell the story of what you are experiencing and name your emotions using “I” statements. Try to avoid beginning a sentence with the word “you.” It can create defensiveness, and you won’t be heard. The speaker needs to use “I” statements, such as “I have been feeling disconnected lately, and that makes me sad,” rather than “you always make me feel . . .”  

2. Stick to facts. A good script example: 

“When I heard you say . . ., I felt . . .”

“When I see you going out every weekend with your friends, and I am at home with the kids by myself, I feel resentment building.”  

Negative communication is: “You always go out with your friends, and I never get to.” The words always and never should also be avoided, and this is a blame statement that will likely create defensiveness, and you won’t be heard. 

When someone is angry, extremely emotional, or defensive, the part of their brain that can take in new information gets turned off. Therefore, having conversations while calm and engaging your cognitive centers is what is effective. 

This can be more challenging for highly sensitive people, but fortunately, some tools work well for HSPs.

Name your positive need. Most of us complain instead of stating our needs, which usually creates defensiveness. Stating a positive need creates empathy. 

• I need a hug. 

• I need some time to myself. 

• I need more help at home, and this is what I am hoping we can do to divide the chores more.

• I need more help with the kids and want to sit down with you and figure out what would work better for me. 

• I need us to sit down with our schedules and determine how we can spend more quality time together. 

• I need to go to a couples therapist with you to discuss what has been bothering me, and we can find a solution. 

• I need you to put the kids to bed at night, so I can have some “me” time to rest and restore.

• I need some help getting the kids ready in the mornings and want to sit down with you and figure out a way to divide that up, so it feels less chaotic for me. 

• I need to spend more time together, like a date night or do some fun activities we used to do together, because I think that will help us connect. 

• I need us to create a family schedule so it can help us feel more organized.

5 Steps of the Listener

1. What is the speaker’s story? In a non-judgmental way, report back what you heard them say. “I heard you say . . .” (Don’t add in your stuff or try to fix anything at this stage. You are just listening in this stage.)

2. What is the speaker’s emotion? Naming their emotions is helpful; ask if they didn’t tell you. 

3. Validate the speaker’s emotions. You don’t have to agree with them to validate them. You are validating that they are experiencing this emotion. Validation can begin with “It makes sense that you feel . . .”

4. What is the speaker’s positive need? If you don’t know, ask them—“What is your positive need?” 

5. Final check-in. Ask if they feel heard or if there is anything else. “Do you feel like I got it all, or is there anything I missed or that you need me to understand better?”

This speaker-listener technique takes some practice, but it is magical. I’ve seen couples who have been arguing for years finally be able to communicate effectively using this method. It’s amazing and helps with all forms of communication. We all just need to be heard and understood.

Many HSPs struggle with being reactive during emotional conversations, making the cognitive brain start to shut down, and communication becomes ineffective at that point.

To learn more skills about reducing reactivity and increasing calm, check out my Brain Training course for HSPs.

Julie Bjelland is a psychotherapist specializing in high sensitivity, author of The Empowered Highly Sensitive Person, host of The HSP Podcast, and founder of the Sensitive Empowerment Community. Her books, blog, online courses, and free webinars have helped thousands of highly sensitive people (HSPs) worldwide reduce their challenges, access their gifts, and discover their significant value to thrive to their fullest potential. Julie loves connecting in her Sensitive Empowerment Community and warmly invites you to join this positive, safe, and welcoming space. Find all resources at JulieBjelland.com❤️🌈❤️ (she/her)

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