A Communication Tool Every HSP Needs to Learn
Are you struggling in your relationship? Do you feel stuck and not know if you want to fix it or end it? A lot of couples are in that space. I hope what I have to share is something that can help. As a psychotherapist, I have noticed particular patterns that unhappy couples often share. By the time they come into therapy, resentment and unhappiness in the relationship are often so high that saving the relationship can prove very difficult, if not impossible. Dr. John Gottman, a relationship researcher, discovered that, on average, couples wait six years from the start of problems before getting help.1 I have absolutely seen this to be true in my practice as well.
When someone comes into my office with a full tank of anger or resentment, I know we have a lot of work to do because anger and resentment cloud everything. Until we work on reducing this, it is hard to see where the true baseline of the relationship is, so reducing resentment often ends up being the first step.
I specialize in working with the 20% of the population who have a Sensory Processing Sensitivity trait, who are also known as highly sensitive people (HSPs). In most of the couples I have seen, either one or both of them have this trait.
Highly sensitive people are often naturally big givers in the relationship, and overgiving and under-receiving fills up that resentment tank. If you are an HSP, giving up your own needs is one of the worst things you can do in a relationship. Practicing good self-care is one of the best. If you are an HSP with a non-HSP partner, it’s important to understand that they likely won’t know your needs unless you tell them very clearly. It’s also common that you have been giving so much to everyone your whole life that you might not even know your needs. Both steps are needed for you to get your needs met. Working with an individual therapist is a great way to discover your needs and learn how to express them. In my Sensitive Empowerment community, I also offer free trainings for my members to teach you how to get your needs met.
What’s also striking is how many men tell me they are fine in the relationship and their wife isn’t. This usually starts years prior, but the reason they are in the room with me is that the wife has said she wants time away or separation or divorce. The male often feels at a loss and was unaware it was that bad for her. It’s sad because I have witnessed the same pattern over and over again, and I often wish I could go back in time to give them tools earlier.
I think many women are conditioned to believe that minimizing or ignoring their needs is a giving thing to do. Maybe they stop going to the gym or a favorite class or meeting their friends or having “me” time that they used to love so they can work on the ever-growing to-do list at home, but the husband is still playing golf or basketball every weekend with his friends. Resentment often begins to brew in this stage.
From what I observe, highly sensitive women often are the ones who do the majority of household work and childcare, even when they also might be working outside the home. They are the ones doing the grocery shopping and cooking, arranging the children’s school and after-school activities, taking the kids to doctor appointments, and generally being the household managers. They often also have the role of planning events and holidays and family gatherings. There just isn’t enough time in the day to get all of this done so resentment builds. This can be years before the start of larger problems. Resentment usually builds when we are depleted and/or have unmet needs.
As the resentment tank gets fuller, disconnect begins, and once that happens intimacy and sex often begin to diminish or end. Here is where the male partner often begins to build their own tank of resentment that can show up in anger, depression, disconnect, or even infidelity. Daily conflict over things that never used to bother you start bothering you more and more. That towel or socks left on the floor are now a big problem instead of a minor nuisance. If the conflict escalates and/or negative external behaviors increase, some turn to alcohol or drugs, which causes even more problems.
Many couples in this stage can be trapped for years in an unhappy home, and if there are kids involved, usually you start seeing problems begin in the children, such as anxiety or depression as their parents’ relationship and the home environment becomes more and more unstable. This may be the time help is sought. Sometimes, help starts with a child showing up with problems in school or behavior, anxiety, or depression. Many couples will seek support for their children before they get support for their relationship.
Often the enormity of all the details of separating the children and finances and living expenses keeps a lot of people stuck for years in this stage. If you recognize yourself in any of these stages, I would recommend getting professional support from a therapist. If you are an HSP, I recommend working with a therapist who is knowledgeable about the trait and can support you as you learn your needs and how to express them. I have a referral list of HSP practitioners here.
One of the best communication tools comes from the Gottman Method that is backed by decades of research about couples.1 One of the most effective ways to communicate is using the speaker-listener method. I have found this method to be very helpful for highly sensitive people especially. Each person has time to be the speaker and the listener. The listener takes notes while they are listening, and this helps keep emotional conversations more on track because writing engages the cognitive brain, which prevents the emotional brain from taking over. Both the speaker and the listener have rules and roles.
The goal is for each person to express themselves and be heard and understood.
Body language in the listener is important. If you are rolling your eyes or interrupting, you are not being a good listener. If you are both able to speak calmly to each other, you can try some of these steps on your own, but if there is volatility or your emotional brain takes over, then it will be easier and more effective to do this with a therapist.
Both the speaker and the listener need to be calm for this speaker-listener exercise to be effective. If you are upset or emotional while speaking, it will be harder for the listener to understand you. If you are upset as the listener, it will be hard to listen objectively. So your first job is to do self-care to be calm (meditation, see your own individual therapist, journal, talk to a friend, etc.).
3 Steps of the Speaker
Tell the story of what you are experiencing and name your emotions using “I” statements. Try to stay away from beginning a sentence with the word “you.” It can create defensiveness, and you won’t be heard. The speaker needs to use “I” statements, such as “I have been feeling disconnected lately and that makes me sad,” rather than “you always make me feel . . .”
Stick to facts. A good script example:
“When I heard you say . . ., I felt . . .”
“When I see you going out every weekend with your friends and I am at home with the kids by myself, I feel resentment building.”
Negative Communication: “You always go out with your friends, and I never get to.” The words always and never should also be avoided, and this is a blame statement that will likely create defensiveness and then you won’t be heard.
When someone is angry, extremely emotional, or defensive, the part of their brain that can take in new information gets turned off. Therefore, it is only effective to have conversations while calm and engaging your cognitive centers.
For highly sensitive people, this can be more challenging, but fortunately, there are tools that work well for HSPs, such as what I teach in my books and courses.
Name your positive need. Most of us complain instead of stating our need, which usually creates defensiveness. Stating a positive need creates empathy.
I need a hug.
I need some time to myself.
I need more help at home, and this is what I am hoping we can do to divide the chores more.
I need more help with the kids and want to sit down with you and figure out what would work better for me.
I need us to sit down with our schedules and figure out how we can spend more quality time together.
I need to go to a couples therapist with you so I can talk through what has been bothering me and we can find a solution.
I need you to put the kids to bed at night so I can have some “me” time to rest and restore.
I need some help in the mornings getting the kids ready and want to sit down with you and figure out a way to divide that up so it feels less chaotic for me.
I need to spend more fun time together, like a date night or do some of the fun activities we used to do together because I think that will help us connect.
I need us to create a family schedule so it can help us feel more organized.
5 Steps of the Listener
What is the speaker’s story? In a non-judgmental way, report back what you heard them say. “I heard you say . . .” (Don’t add in your own stuff or try to fix anything at this stage. You are just listening in this stage.)
What is the speaker’s emotion? Naming their emotions is helpful, and if they didn’t tell you, ask.
Validate the speaker’s emotions. You don’t have to agree with them to validate them. You are validating that they are experiencing this emotion. Validation can begin with “It makes sense that you feel . . .”
What is the speaker’s positive need? If you don’t know, ask them—“What is your positive need?”
Final check-in. Ask if they feel heard or if there is anything else. “Do you feel like I got it all, or is there anything I missed or that you need me to understand better?”
This speaker-listener technique takes some practice, but it is magical. I’ve seen couples who have been arguing for years finally be able to communicate effectively using this method. It’s amazing and helps with all forms of communication. We all just need to be heard and understood.
Many HSPs struggle with being reactive during emotional conversations, making the cognitive brain start to shut down and communication becomes ineffective at that point. To learn more skills about how to reduce reactivity, and increase calm, check out my Brain Training Program for HSPs that is on sale now to support you! www.hspcourse.com
In summary,
Learn about the trait of high sensitivity because it will really help you understand yourself and/or your partner. Visit www.SensitiveConnection.com for more information and to take a free Sensitivity Quiz.
Work on your own self-care so you can empty out the resentment tank and be calm enough to express yourself effectively. Learn how at www.hspcourse.com
Learn what you need, and advocate for getting your needs met using this effective speaker-listener communication tool. We talk more about what language to use, how to learn our needs and express healthy boundaries, and improve our relationships in my Sensitive Empowerment community.
Seek professional support early and as needed throughout your relationship. I offer a referral list for HSP therapists, doctors, healers, coaches here: https://www.juliebjelland.com/hsp-practitioners-referral-list
You deserve to live your life at its highest potential. Putting in the work early in your relationship is most ideal, but if you find yourself truly struggling, getting help now will be beneficial for everyone.
https://www.gottman.com/
Julie Bjelland is a licensed psychotherapist, author, and founder of the online resource Sensitive Empowerment. As a leader in the field of high sensitivity, Julie has helped thousands of highly sensitive people (HSPs) around the world reduce their challenges, access their gifts and intuition, and discover their balance, inner strength, and significant value. Known for her ability to give people a sense of true support, Julie is featured on national media regularly and is on a mission to empower sensitive people to live their best lives. For articles, resources, and the Sensitivity Quiz, visit