When High Sensitivity Meets Insecure Attachment by Tara Caimi
Guest Post
Some years ago, a beloved mentor guided me to explore my truth by suggesting I write a little story about myself as a child. What was that child’s superpower?
It took months of starts and stops to get to a draft in which my childhood self is expressing the superpower of disappearing. I also called it shape shifting for purposes of blending or fitting in. Putting it mildly, that exercise did not come easily to me, nor did I get it right at the time.
Years of personal healing and development later, I revisited the exercise and was shocked. With the help of my mentor, I had come to recognize how I naturally stood out as a child. I sang solos in church and school performances; I took the lead in most plays; I won contests for visual art. It’s possible I was a bit obnoxious about being the “star,” but that’s the great thing about this stage of life: we tend to show up as ourselves, without judgment or criticism, before self consciousness develops to douse the light of that spirit.
Sure, I could also disappear, blend in, fit in, shape-shift when needed, which in my childhood environment was often. Into adulthood, that ability to hide became my pattern—so much so that when tasked with the exercise of recognizing my childhood superpower, I defaulted to naming my coping mechanism instead. This is the extent to which I had lost connection with my authentic self.
In his book, The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, & Healing in a Toxic Culture, Gabor Maté says, “A recurring theme—maybe the core theme—in every talk or workshop I give is the inescapable tension, and for most of us an eventual clash, between two essential needs: attachment and authenticity.”
As highly sensitive people, and especially those of us who are highly sensitive empaths, we may run a greater risk of losing connection with our truth due to our innate empathy and tendency to focus on the needs of others at the expense of our own. I suspect that those of us with insecure attachment styles are in even more danger of losing touch with our authentic selves.
A common theme for highly sensitive people is that, as children, our sensitivity was not accepted. In other words, we were not seen and accepted for who we are. Under this condition alone, according to Maté, “the tragic tension between attachment and authenticity can arise.
Attachment styles are formed at an early age based on our relationships with our primary caregivers. In broad terms, those with primary caregivers who are attuned and responsive to their needs—this includes emotional and social, as well as physical needs—as infants and children are most likely to develop secure attachments. Whereas those whose primary caregivers do not provide the nurturing they require may end up with some brand of insecure attachment, including but not limited to anxious, avoidant, fearful, and various combinations thereof.
General consensus is that the attachment style we form in childhood is what we carry into future relationships throughout our lives. Another general consensus is that we have the ability to change those attachment styles.
In her book, Daughter Detox: Recovering from An Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life, Peg Streep talks about shifting from insecure to secure attachment through one tactic of focusing on your interactions with people who actually do see and accept you for who you are. This, of course, requires that we first see and accept ourselves for who we are. Those of us who have “shape-shifted” or otherwise denied the truth of who we are, for one reason or another, may benefit from additional support with this interim step.
The mentor I previously mentioned pointed out, whenever necessary, that my internal mirrors were “very distorted.” What she meant was that I was not seeing myself in the same way that others saw me. (More on this topic in my blog post, “Shape Shifting and the Highly Sensitive Person’s Distorted Mirrors”). Sometimes others can see our true essence, even when we cannot. With my mentor’s support over time, I was able to repair those distorted mirrors and reconnect with my authentic self.
One thing I know from personal experience is that in order to be seen and heard as our true selves, we must first develop the self-awareness, acceptance, and trust to show up and express authentically. Sometimes it helps to have the nurturing support of a mentor in rediscovering and rebuilding those superpowers.
A list of HSP Mental Health, Medical Health, Coaches, Healers, and Educators can be found on Julie Bjelland’s website, along with a variety of courses, masterclasses, and additional resources designed to help HSPs thrive.
Tara Caimi is a certified life coach, personal growth guide, and author. She mentors highly sensitive people, empaths, introverts, and multipotentialites who seek meaning and fulfillment to reconnect with their inner truth and authenticity. Tara holds a BA in journalism and psychology, an MFA in creative writing, and CLC through Life Purpose Institute. She is also a book coach, helping heart-centered authors illuminate their authentic voices to craft and share their stories.
Tara is the author of Mush: from sled dogs to celiac, the scenic detour of my life. Her work has been published internationally and has been nominated for a Pushcart Prize. She recently served as script developer for several award-winning animated short films. You can learn more about Tara's story and her coaching practice at https://taracaimi.com/
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Julie Bjelland is a psychotherapist specializing in high sensitivity, Author of The Empowered Highly Sensitive Person, host of The HSP Podcast, and founder of the Sensitive Empowerment Community. Her books, blog, online courses, and free Webinars have helped thousands of highly sensitive people (HSPs) worldwide reduce their challenges, access their gifts, and discover their significant value to thrive to their fullest potential. Her HSPs in Heart-Centered Business Group connects and supports HSP healers and practitioners. Julie loves connecting in her Sensitive Empowerment Community and warmly invites you to join this positive, safe, and welcoming space. JulieBjelland.com❤️🌈❤️ (she/her)
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