How to Set Healthy Boundaries as an HSP and Improve Your Relationships

Highly sensitive people (HSPs) are often over-givers. We think it is kind to give so much, but actually, it can be unhealthy. I’ve worked with HSPs all over the world and one thing that comes up the most is how much resentment comes up when you feel you have been so giving but are not getting back what you put in.

The concept of having choices is important for our well-being. If we feel like we don’t have choices, we can feel stuck or resentful. Recognize that every day you have a lot of choices. You can choose who to give your energy to and how to take care of your needs. You can choose what you do with your time and what you focus on. You can choose to take a walk, go out in nature, take a bubble bath, eat healthy, and surround yourself with people that lift you higher. Ultimately, you are in control of your choices.            

Knowing you have a choice opens up doors of possibilities. Learning how to choose what is right for you is part of this process. You can build a life that works for you.    

Every time you say yes to something you don’t want, you are saying no to yourself. Over time, this will impact every part of you and you will be at risk of developing resentment and disconnection, and you will likely get burnt out.                                

Here are some things to remember when thinking about boundaries:

• It is not my job to fix others.                                                        

• It is okay to say no

• It is not my job to take responsibility for others

• I don’t have to anticipate the needs of others.                      

• It is my job to meet my needs.                             

• Nobody has to agree with me.

• I have a right to my own feelings.

• I am enough.                    

The process of setting boundaries takes time, and it will not always be comfortable. As HSPs, this process can seem counterintuitive to who we are. After all, we want to help others. Like with so many of our strengths, they cannot remain our strengths if we don’t also set boundaries that allow us to remain empowered and be our best selves.

Do you have a hard time saying no?         

A lot of HSPs talk about how hard it is to say no. We worry about disappointing someone and feel guilty if we say no. While that makes sense, given how caring we are, the philosophy has some holes. Resentment grows out of not being able to say no. Every single person I have ever seen who has a full resentment tank struggles with saying no.

No is a complete sentence.             

I like to guide HSPs to listen to their bodies somatically because, if we listen, our bodies often give us the answers before our cognitive awareness. How do we know when to say yes or no? What is your body telling you? If you imagine saying no to something, does it feel like a relief? If you imagine saying yes, does it give you a good feeling or a bad feeling? This is where we can use our advanced insula and highly aware and conscious ability to listen to our internal indicators. When you get an icky feeling about saying yes, it might indicate you want to say no.                

Here are some examples of ways it might be easier for you to say no:

• That’s not going to work for me.

• I am overcommitted so I won’t be able to do that.

• I’m busy and can’t.                             

• I’m not the right person to do that.                             

• I can’t help this time.                             

• I’m not available.                             

• I wish I could, but I can’t.                             

• No, thank you.                             

• That sounds fun, but I won’t be able to this time.

• Thank you for thinking of me, but I can’t.                

With practice, it gets easier saying no. It is also more kind to say no than to get resentful for saying yes. Over time you start to feel the rewards of preserving your precious energy, so it motivates you to continue.

Join me for a free Masterclass to learn more!

How to Set Healthy Boundaries and Why it’s Essential for Wellness as an HSP

~Julie Bjelland is a Psychotherapist specializing in high sensitivity, host of The HSP Podcast, and Founder of the Sensitive Empowerment Community, whose mission is to create a paradigm shift where sensitivity is embraced, valued, and honored. Julie offers multiple essential resources for educating, inspiring, and empowering HSPs. Register for her free Masterclasses, take the Sensitivity Quiz and profoundly transform your life in her courses and community. Her HSPs in Business Group is designed to support and empower sensitive people to grow heart-centered businesses, share their voices, and be part of the change the world needs. Her HSP Dating Group is a safe space bringing together conscious, kind, caring sensitive people, offering both hetero and LGBTQ+ HSPs. JulieBjelland.com❤️🌈❤️ (she/her)