The Sting of Criticism

Criticism can be especially hard for highly sensitive people. I think we try so hard and we care so much. It’s really fascinating how much it can affect HSPs in particular. I want to share that because it normalizes our experience, to know we’re not alone in how we experience things is important.  I certainly have developed some tools around it but can still be impacted at times when it’s a surprise. When it happens unexpectedly I can feel a sting. On an anonymous survey, I posted someone wrote that they find my voice so shrill that they could not stand listening to me. I felt the sting.

But it’s important to realize criticisms are opinions that vary from person to person and therefore we have to be careful about what we take in and what we believe. To provide an example of that, many others have shared my voice is soothing, calm, and nurturing. Notice how opposite those opinions are?

So the next time you receive criticism I want you to remember this example and know that criticism has nothing to do with us personally and usually comes from a painful place inside another. People are going to have many different types of opinions and what’s important is that we don’t soak them in.

It’s helped a lot to do my own personal growth work and build my self-esteem! When my self-esteem was low, criticisms knocked me down hard and for a long time. When I had no personal value I believed the criticism.

It took time to build up my sense of self. I hope that part of what we’re doing in this community is that it’s helping you build yours.

I like to share real experiences with you in hopes that it helps you in some way. 

So when you feel the sting, acknowledge it and give yourself some compassion from you and from me. Remind yourself of your value and your intentions. Also focus on some positives about you so that negativity bias of the brain doesn’t take over. Remember it takes 8 positives to neutralize one negative. Not everyone is going to like us and that’s OK. What’s important is that we learn to love and support our sensitive hearts and know our intentions come from good places.❤️

I don’t think anyone is completely immune to the impacts of criticism. I also want to normalize that. I hope that my story and tips can help someone. I hope that you know your value. The next time you receive criticism I hope you remember you are valuable and receive love and acceptance here. ❤️

Some of what HSPs shared from my Sensitive Empowerment Community after reading this…❤️

• I remember when I would be hurt when I was a kid my mom would tell me to “get over it”. I remember that being invalidating, unhelpful and actually hurt me more. I think it would be powerful to teach our sensitive children the art of self-compassion. Can you imagine a whole generation of sensitive children raised with self-compassion? I have found that skill to be one of the best things that I’ve developed. It helps me with everything now. I think that it’s probably a tool that we can constantly sharpen.❤️

• It is still extremely hard on me to the point where it will put me out of commission for a minute (or days even) I’m working on not letting others’ criticism flatten me. I just know, when my rest and my health are in order, it’s much easier to shake it off. When I feel criticized, I’m starting to immediately make a list of people who support me and think differently than people who criticize me, and speak unkindly.

• Oof such a good topic. I find criticism extremely difficult. For me there is a family wound around criticism so I can have a deep painful reaction. Self-compassion has really helped me work through those reactions. I heard once that often comes to my mind these days — what someone says about us tells us more about them and how they see the world etc than it is information about us. — I find this really helpful because I used to take every single thing someone said about me as truth but seeing that people are seeing us through the lens of all their wounds and experiences takes the sting away a bit.

• Julie, thank you for sharing about this topic and I'm sorry to hear about the criticism you received. But that was such a good reflection that you balanced it out with the positive feedback you've received.
  
  As you shared, it's hard not to internalize and take criticism personally. I like that you validated that it's normal to feel that sting and feel hurt by it. We're human after all and for HSPs it seems like we take criticism very hard. I think we want others to like us and also really take pride in our work and want to do a good job because we are so diligent.
  
  I know for myself, it's felt like a personal attack in the past and has been deeply wounding. I think that is why I've become a perfectionist, because I wanted to avoid people criticizing me or receiving negative feedback, because I feel it so keenly and deeply. It's like a knife to the heart. I know I can say that here and people won't think I'm over-exaggerating.
  
  I do realize reading this that I have grown in this regard. When I was younger, I would dwell in critical comments for days, weeks even and it really would knock me down and impact my feelings of self worth. I think I took it as gospel truth and didn't have the tools to reflect on it and move on. I didn't think that well maybe this is one person's opinion. I think through receiving a lot of criticism and feedback over the years in the work world I've had to work on this aspect and become stronger and able to withstand it better. It still hurts and I do still feel that initial sting but I feel like I'm able to recover a lot quicker now. I really like what you and others have shared about balancing it out by focusing on our value, and supports we have and the positive comments we have received. I've gotten okay at taking constructive criticism and feedback and seeing if it is something I can work on and also seeing criticism that maybe more based upon a person's experience and may not be a reflection of myself.

• Thank you so much for sharing, what you said resonated so much with me ( And a big yes to the knife in the heart analogy!) - especially that the desire to avoid criticism is what has caused or contributed to your perfectionism. I feel exactly the same way. Now I work really hard on trying to figure out when something is just my innate drive for excellence or when it's more a perfectionism driven by fear/avoidance.

• I connected with this so much. You’re right, Julie, I used to hold onto criticism much more when I was younger and it hurt terribly. Working on me and building up my self-esteem was integral to healing. I used to work with a boss who was critical of everything I did and I dreaded going to work every day. One day I decided to begin therapy and soon I built up enough energies to apply to graduate school. Once I got in I put on my two weeks notice. Going back to school was an investment in myself.

• What a wonderful topic Julie and thank you for sharing your personal example. This is still something I'm working on for myself although I've had huge growth in this area. I once read somewhere or heard someone say that "what other people think of you is none of your business" and I try to remember that if I get that sting. I've also been using the positives journal from your Brain Training course to keep going back to when I need to counteract any negatives. 🙏

• Criticism can indeed be hurtful. It can be good to remember that people who criticize are often either unaware of how much work you put into doing that which they are criticizing, or they are taking out their own frustration on you. For many people, it's more "comfortable" to criticize others who have the courage to do something than to actually do something themselves.

• Oh Julie, an important topic this is. Thank you. I've come a long way working with the deep sting of criticism and feeling the knife in my heart. There are moments I still feel the deep sting but it doesn't "take me out" in the way it use to. Often I ask myself "is this really true what they said?" That helps me to come back to myself along with breathing. I am soothed when I see the criticism is simply not about me! A work in progress going forward.

• Wow, Julie Bjelland thank you so much for sharing! I so need to hear this right now at this moment. Checking in here on this topic helps me normalize my emotions and understand myself better.

• Criticism is so hard especially because everybody wants to be accepted and respected for who they are and the judgments of others can be hard to bear and depending on our mindset and self-acceptance/self-confidence it can make us see ourselves as less than if we do not have the right tools in place. I always try to remember the simple truth that "hurt people hurt people".

• I'm so grateful for this thread! I found it quite emotional reading all the posts and having my intense and long-lasting reaction to criticism normalized. I have struggled with this for a long time. I had a similar thing to you Julie with a comment in a survey - it was a really mean, unthoughtful common about a presentation I gave- and coming from someone well respected in my field of work it was hard to take and still gets to me years later. It is helping so much to reframe it as an issue they have rather than a failing of mine! It's a very empowering feeling. I am also trying to celebrate the fact I find criticism hard knowing that it's because I care so deeply about doing things well and with care.

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Julie Bjelland is a Psychotherapist specializing in high sensitivity, host of The HSP Podcast, and Founder of the Sensitive Empowerment Community, whose mission is to create a paradigm shift where sensitivity is embraced, valued, and honored. Julie offers multiple essential resources for educating, inspiring, and empowering HSPs. Register for her free Masterclasses and profoundly transform your life in her courses and community. Her HSP Dating Group is a safe space bringing together conscious, kind, caring HSPs (both Hetero and LGBTQ+). Her HSPs in Business Group supports and empowers sensitive people to grow heart-centered businesses, share their voices, and be part of the change the world needs. Explore Julie’s website dedicated to supporting HSPs and download a free letter to give medical and mental health professionals about high sensitivity. ❤️🌈❤️ (she/her)