What Would Have Been or Was Supportive To You as a Sensitive Child/Teen?

I asked a group of HSPs from my Sensitive Empowerment Community what they thought would have been supportive to them as sensitive children and wanted to share their answers in hopes that we can help parents of sensitive children! We know that when sensitive children are raised with the right support they can thrive and excel in life even more than those without the trait! That’s huge! It might be amazing for parents of sensitive kids to read this so please share! Imagine that something you share will help one of those parents give that to their sensitive child and that child will bloom even more because of it. ❤️

• I think I would have benefited from my parents staying with me when I was upset, validating my feelings and showing me ways to calm down.

• 1. Feeling seen for who I was and the gifts that I have.

  2. Feeling supported, nurtured, and loved.

  I am trying to give these things to my son who is highly sensitive too. 🤍🤍🤍

• It would have been useful for the adults in my life not to consider my shyness as a lack of courage. Instead, it would have felt great to feel supported to explore the world more, to feel safe in doing so, and to have adults to whom to go to, to share my experiences with, and receive good advice. Also, for the adults in my life to listen to my emotions and contain them, instead of telling me they are somewhat wrong and to try to feel other emotions than what I was feeling.

• What a fantastic question. My child hood would have been so much easier if:

  When I was overwhelmed my parents sat and helped me work out my feelings

  That when I cried (which was a lot as the world felt too much) I was given a hug and told its ok to cry and its better out than in. Then given strategies to help with the emotions

  That when I KNEW something was not right for me (a food, a playmate, a movie) that my parents acknowledged my feelings

  That they encouraged my imaginary world and love of nature rather than telling me to go play with friends and be normal like others

• If I had an adult that told me I was ok, safe, loved, and strong I may have believed it.

  I guess I would have been a different person if I felt Loved, encouraged, supported, or basically safe

• -A lot of positive reinforcement and encouragement.

  -Open communication and supportive conversations daily.

  -An outlet to express creativity and emotions in multiple ways.

  -A safe place to express my fears and concerns.

  - A Meditation Practice.

  -Healthy food options that actually taste good.😀

  -Self-care coaching and guidance.

  Answering this question is super therapeutic. I see that I have learned what solid support for an adolescent looks like from my own experiences of not having it in my youth. ✨💕

• One thing I would say is to be allowed to be a loner, that it was okay to not have a lot of friends or do the accepted social events I was supposed to. My mother hosted so many slumber parties at my house in an attempt to get me to be social. You can imagine how those went for me 😭

• This is such a good point - my brother and I both felt pressure to have a lot of friends vs the few good ones I had and liked being with and the huge amount of time Alone I liked and needed. I think my mom was pretty good at encouraging my art, crafts or hobbies etc. Vs friends. Letting kids be who they are is so important!

• Such a good question. And I love the suggestions so far.

  I wish my family had taken the time to really understand what was going on for me and help me or seek out help. Not because I was being less than but just so I had someone on my side.

  I remember as a teen really needing down time after school and even seeking out a quiet space during lunch. School is such an overstimulated environment, I wish there had been dark quiet rooms to retreat into. And that I would’ve given myself that chance to properly recharge after school.

• One of the things I have learnt to do as a parent is to give my daughter transition and processing time and she is learning from this also. She made the decision yesterday not to look for things because we were conscious of the time and she didn't want to be rushed. I don't think these things were heard of when I was growing up. It wasn't something parents gave their children or themselves. I think that while schools are becoming better at addressing special needs, there is really no communication about HSP needs unless it falls under another banner where it would have to be considered.

• It’s truly a gift to read about all of these experiences. I am honored to be on this journey with all of you, as we care for our tender centers. I am new to learning about the trait and just beginning to understand who I am as an HSP. But, in connection with this thread, I’ve been thinking a lot about how earlier experiences shaped me.

  Due to many different circumstances - being from an immigrant family, dealing with racism, having parents who were not inclined to push us out into the world but let us just ‘be’ - I spent a great deal of time as a youngster on my own, writing in my journal, learning to play musical instruments, making art, reading, loving time in nature - particularly developing friendships with the violets in our yard who engaged me in rich conversations (!) It really cemented in practices that I carried with me to this day. And for that I am so deeply thankful.

• Like many people here - what I needed most was validation and someone to stay with me and allow space for my feelings instead of cheering me up or shutting them down. Some tools would have been so helpful too - dealing with conflicts, managing school stress, self soothing, self compassion… pretty much all around managing big feelings and stress I think.

• Gosh I feel like everyone else said it all!! I can relate to so much.

  I think a feeling of acceptance and letting me know I was ok the way I was. I was always pushed to change or be more like “so and so” and yes socialize and have more friends.

  Also felt it was not ok to cry or express negative emotions. I think I needed to feel safe and heard. Also to be allowed to have quiet time alone to process. I loved playing alone in my room for hours but this was discouraged for loud, rambunctious play with my brother and neighbourhood friends. I was also bullied by my older brother who preyed upon my sensitivity and high startle reflex but when I cried I was told to be quiet.

• i would have done way better as a kid with:

  I think mental health support that I really liked—like a really good therapist? Would have gone a long way

  A Reggio Emilia/Waldorf style school

  There are loads more gifted kid resources online now through Johns Hopkins/CTY—-accessing as much of that as possible would have been a huge help for me as a kid

  Taking me to museums regularly would have been amazing, also any kind of family travel esp with an eye to what I could learn would also have been amazing

  What was great:

  Free range 70s childhood with tons of time in nature

  A lot of roller skating! And reading, and swimming, and time with the pets.

  A diverse public school, I don’t think this exists anymore at least not around here 😪

• I would have liked if my mom didn't tell me that I was being too sensitive. I also would have liked if she didn't knock on my door at night like I asked her, even if my light or TV was on, because I needed that wind down time without stimulation to get ready for sleep. I also would have appreciated if my parents were more quiet at night after I went to bed so that I could get the sleep that I now know is so important for me to recharge. It's just little things, but they would have been helpful for me.

• Someone to help me process my feelings would have been amazing. Someone to manage the relationship between me and my older sister who had a tendency to dominate, bully and manipulate me. It took me until the age of 50 to realize that I had coping mechanisms that I desperately needed as a child that do not serve me well as an adult. Better late than never!

• Being accepted and supported in my uniqueness, transition time, and coping skills training

• As a kid, what I wanted most from my mom was patience, patience, patience!

• Sooo many great things have already been mentioned that I resonate with!

  What worked for me:

  Having my own room that I could escape to for reading, dreaming, creating, and processing time. It was a space I could go to to get some distance from the anger and chaos in my house.

  LOTS of access to nature with the ability to spend alone time there. I was really lucky to grow up in a mountain town and I was allowed to roam by myself.

  Slow summers spent swimming, reading, writing, soaking up the sun, camping, crafting, and time with my grandparents. School was always busy and stressful, but summer slowed down and I loved having unstructured time in nature and with my grandparents.

• I really needed to be listened to and validated. This year I learned that I am HSP, that I grew up with emotionally immature parents. These were heavy and illuminating facts to absorb, digest and apply.

  It helps me so much to be reminded often I am loved simply for being me.

  I think it's beautiful parents are wanting to learn how to better support their children with sensitive souls. 🥰🥰🥰

• One of the biggest, foundational things for me that I needed and didn't have, was a generally positive, uplifting home environment. This was really influential, because we take in all the subtleties, so those, plus the big things, had such an effect on my emotional and mental state. It elevated feelings of anxiousness, stress, uncertainty, disappointment, etc., and did the opposite of helping me recover from difficult days 'out in the world' or preparing me for them. It was much harder to regulate my sensations and emotions in such an environment.

  - Encouragement when I didn't believe in myself, and reinforcement that I was of value and good enough.

  - understanding and mercy when I got things wrong

  - talking through things when I hadn't done something expected, etc. - why I hadn't done it (i.e. was I afraid, unsure how to do it, suffering from perfectionism, or actually lazy, etc.), instead of being told off in an intense way as though I'd done something bad and was bad for it. Then discussion about how to improve, and encouragement that I could.

  - not expecting unattainable perfection in tasks and attitudes, etc., for a child of my age and abilities

  - teaching me that failing wasn't final, or a statement about my worth

  - help to do the things I was scared of, not pushing

  - defense against mean treatment and bullying from siblings

  - celebration of who I was, more than the things I could do (skills)

  - more laughter and humour - help to take things lightly sometimes, and not take myself or life too seriously. I have a naturally good sense of humour, but often was caught up in seriousness about life and myself that I needed the help of others, especially adults with life experience, to help me free myself from.

  - evident love and affection

  - like others have said, understanding of my sensitive temperament, and allowance for it - space, time, etc., when I needed it. Even without knowing it existed, just recognising this in me. I've seen parents do this, before they knew what HS is. Just the allowance to be different, and have that be cool.

  - forgiveness

  - a very different kind of discipline for a conscientious child who mostly really wanted to do well, and please, and reflected enough to tell herself off, in a sense, and strive to improve. Intense and forceful measures were totally wrong for me, and completely unneeded. Some children really won't do anything unless pushed, and some need a firmer approach, but I wish they'd seen the difference in me, and responded accordingly.

  - not trying to align me to the same set of objectives and values as siblings or what was believed to be important for children in general. Just that applying of difference to individual children, where needed. So, knowing that developing social skills was important, and believing that developing athleticism or sporting skills was also important, I was pushed into playing basketball at the beginning of high school, and expected to choose a sport in the last years of high school. Like, decent, well-rounded people did this, so I needed to... it wasn't forced as such, but just really strongly encouraged, discussed, and implied. I hated team sports, and competitive sport in general. Not because I was unsociable or didn't like being in a team, or even hated sport, but because I was bad at it, too stressed by all the stuff to do with competition, not letting my team down, performing well, what I was wearing, expectations, spectators, what the other kids would think (and how that would affect schooldays), etc., etc. On the other hand, I loved being part of an orchestra, and didn't mind so much learning sporting skills that were more suited to me, like tennis. It just wasn't the right time for me during high school. I needed support towards the things I was naturally drawn to or had affinity for, like music (which I was supported with), artistic things, nature, reading and writing, etc., and help to explore things in that vein I hadn't tried.

  One thing that worked better was being able to choose a different musical instrument from my siblings.

  Having said all this, in this very long comment, Mum did perceive differences in me, and tried a lot to manage it; sometimes in a helpful way, but a lot otherwise in a way that made me feel like there was something wrong with me, not just different and normal. And my siblings took this on, both the 'something wrong' and resentment at the efforts made to 'help' me.

• My mom is HSP, so she was naturally good at meeting me and my sibling with where we were at when at home. Unfortunately, she wasn’t involved with schooling, so I was bullied and not supported. That would have made all the difference for me I believe. While I felt loved and accepted at home, I wasn’t by my peer group. I simply wasn’t like the other kids and struggled to fit in.

• In summary, would have liked to have had a voice. I would have liked to have been given choices, to NOT have been told you are going to play this instrument, you are going to joint this team, you are going to do this thing. I would have liked to be seen as an individual with a mind, heart and soul all unique to me and I would have liked to be asked what do you want, what do you choose. I would have liked to have been spoken to rather than yelled at, when somebody raised their voice to me I could not hear them because I was so negatively impacted by the sound, if they had only spoken to me I would have listened, I would have heard. I would have liked to have people want to hear what I have to say and I would liked to have been confident enough to express myself. I would have liked to have had one nice things said about me each day instead of a dozen horrible things.

• Another members post has me thinking some sort of outlet that utilizes and benefits from our sensitivity is something that could be really beneficial for a growing kid/teen. The original post mentioned theatre/acting, but I think anything creative could work; music, dancing, drawing/painting, anything that channels our sensitivity into something productive.

• Lots and lots of touch and hugging. I didn’t come from a demonstrative family. I needed alot of reassurance and positive words.

  It feels so powerful for us to discuss this. Imagine if we can get this information to parents of sensitive children too! A whole generation of supported sensitive children! Is there anything you would add?

I love our chosen HSP family in our Sensitive Empowerment Community and if you aren’t yet a member I invite you to try it for one month and see why HSPs call it life-changing. We love who you are and you are accepted as you are. We welcome you warmly.

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Julie Bjelland is a Psychotherapist specializing in high sensitivity, host of The HSP Podcast, and Founder of the Sensitive Empowerment Community, whose mission is to create a paradigm shift where sensitivity is embraced, valued, and honored. Julie offers multiple essential resources for educating, inspiring, and empowering HSPs. Register for her free Masterclasses and profoundly transform your life in her courses and community. Her HSP Dating Group is a safe space bringing together conscious, kind, caring HSPs (both Hetero and LGBTQ+). Her HSPs in Business Group supports and empowers sensitive people to grow heart-centered businesses, share their voices, and be part of the change the world needs. Explore Julie’s website dedicated to supporting HSPs and download a free letter to give medical and mental health professionals about high sensitivity. ❤️🌈❤️ (she/her)