Feeling Everything Deeply

I have learned a lot about feelings as a highly sensitive psychotherapist who has worked with and studied highly sensitive people (HSPs) for years. So many of us tell ourselves we “shouldn’t” feel something if it’s a negative feeling. Or we “shouldn’t” be as emotional as we feel. Or we “shouldn’t” show our intense emotions because they are “more” than other people show. Maybe we hold those emotions in for fear of judgment. Perhaps we are judging ourselves too? We might feel like sobbing one moment at the beauty of a sunset, a song, or a beloved human or pet.

As highly sensitive people, our emotions can be SO powerful. One time I was on a helicopter tour in Hawaii, and the beauty was so intense I started crying. I had so many tears I could hardly see, and I wanted to see the view! It was a powerful experience. I’ve felt that way during a particular song or a moment in a movie too. I get so into what I’m watching on the screen I feel like I’m experiencing what they are feeling. I’ve felt that way about leaves I’m observing on a tree or a plant. There is so much beauty everywhere.  

There are also intensely powerful, difficult emotions too. I have to be careful about what I watch or read; a sad or violent scene can stick with me for a long time. I’m even incredibly affected by what people close to me are experiencing. I believe there is a scale of sensitivity—I’m at the top, and many people who follow my work are also. We experience the world differently than about 95% of the population. Eighty percent of the population doesn’t have the trait of high sensitivity (sensory processing sensitivity), but even those who do, don’t all experience life in an EXTRA highly sensitive space as some of us do. But those of us who do experience both positive and challenging emotions have a different experience in life. I think it’s so crucial that we find each other and talk about it. We need to talk about how it’s hard and how it’s incredible. We also need coping tools to manage the tough parts. 

Before I knew about this trait, I was on an out of control roller coaster in life. I had highs and lows all over the place. My experience was amazing and hard in intensely profound ways. I had anxiety, and I had depression. My lows were terrible, and I often wonder how I got through them. I’m so glad I did, though, so I could continue to experience the amazing things about life. And to be in a place in life, now, where I can live within a healthier balance and guide other HSPs to live better is so meaningful to me.  

It’s tough to go through intensely challenging emotions without self-compassion, and most HSPs struggle with being hard on themselves and lacking self-compassion. HSPs are so giving and have incredibly high compassion and empathy for others but, by default, often skip themselves in the process. Does that sound familiar? 

Some tools I’ve found essential to keep in your HSP toolbox have a lot to do with developing the brain-training skill of self-compassion and learning how to intentionally accept the emotions you are having. I had to train my brain too, and that process changes your life. What I’ve learned is the emotion itself weighs five pounds, but the judgment of the feeling weighs one thousand pounds. (1) If we think we are not “supposed” to feel an emotion, we can be hard on ourselves and bound by shame. Soon, what we are feeling is nearly unbearable. With intensely unbearable feelings, we might experience a meltdown, spin out into anxiety or a panic attack, or perhaps shut down and cocoon into depression or a need to numb it with drugs or alcohol. (I think it would be essential to see some research done on this, but I suspect drug and alcohol addiction and suicide is quite high in people with this high sensitivity trait.) Or we might develop other unhealthy habits like binging on unhealthy food, spending, or gambling. 

Without enough knowledge and education on this trait, tools to cope, and the right support, we might try just about anything and likely feel as if we are just getting through the day in survival mode rather than feeling empowered and experiencing our life fully. It’s part of why I believe my Sensitive Empowerment community (2) is so vital for those of us high on the Sensitivity Scale. (3) My mission is to get the tools I know work to as many highly sensitive people as possible because I know life gets so much better with the right support and information!

Here are a few tips and tools I have found helpful for the HSPs I have worked with over the years:

1. Identify the feelings you are having and try to find words to describe them. (This helps activate the cognitive brain, which supports our emotional brain). 

2. Remind yourself that the feeling is temporary, and be supportive of yourself. I can attest to the fact that this helps me a lot to this day. When intense emotions are felt, it can seem like you will feel this bad forever. I know I used to, and it really helps to say out loud “It’s okay. I will be okay. This feeling is temporary, and I am going to get through this.”

3. Normalize and validate your experience, and remind yourself that everyone hurts sometimes. The goal of life isn’t to remove all suffering because that’s not possible. We acknowledge what we feel. We say it’s okay to feel it. We validate it. We accept it. When you accept a feeling and stop fighting it, an incredible thing happens. It gets unstuck and is released much faster!

4. Show compassion and self-love for yourself through the feeling. Be loving and nurturing with yourself just as you would to a person you love and care about a lot. If you can’t feel it for yourself, first imagine what you would do or say to someone you cared about that was feeling this way. Then “practice” it on yourself. If you keep practicing, you will eventually feel it. When I first started this brain-training exercise, I felt zero self-compassion and was incredibly hard on myself. It was hard to make myself have truly loving feelings with myself, but with practice, you do start to feel it. Practicing it every day will get you there faster. 

If we practice the tools of identifying our feelings, reminding ourselves it’s temporary, normalizing, validating, and being self-compassionate and supportive, we can get through anything. We don’t hold it in for it to implode or explode. We move through the feeling and release it sooner, which makes life a lot easier

What did you relate to or find helpful in this article? Please share in the comments below.

These are the resources discussed in this post:

1. Excerpt from my online course Brain Training for the Highly Sensitive Person: Techniques to Reduce Anxiety and Overwhelming Emotions.  

2. Online Sensitive Empowerment community for highly sensitive people

3. High Sensitivity Scale by Julie Bjelland, LMFT 

I’ve included a powerful podcast episode about the power of personal validation as an ongoing practice that I think is an excellent supplement to this subject about feeling deeply.

Following a previous episode about self-compassion, the powerful technique for managing our feelings, we turn our attention to the power of validation. As high sensory people, we can often get overly affected by other people's opinions and expectations of us.

For more information about The HSP Podcast visit: www.HSPpodcast.com

Julie Bjelland is a sensitivity expert, licensed psychotherapist, author, and founder of the online resource Sensitive Empowerment. As a leader in the field of high sensitivity, Julie has helped thousands of highly sensitive people (HSPs) around the world reduce their challenges, access their gifts and intuition, and discover their balance, inner strength, and significant value. Known for her ability to give people a sense of true support, Julie is featured on national media regularly and is on a mission to empower sensitive people to live their best lives. For articles, resources, and the Sensitivity Quiz, visit www.juliebjelland.com