Guilt and Shame

Let’s talk about guilt and shame. So many HSPs experience feelings of guilt and shame. In my work and research, I’ve noticed that they are some of the last pieces to go in our personal work. I think society has taught us from an early age that our differences are somehow wrong instead of needed. So many of us have experienced survival mode just trying to get through the day living in constant busyness. For those of us that identify as HSP Empaths, the highest on the scale of sensitivity challenges living in modern day loud, chaotic, living has often been even greater. Society often pushes us to be constantly productive and plugged in and messages of rest are equated with laziness.

I hope that we can consciously change that messaging and are getting rid some of those myths. Rest is essential to our well-being and is not lazy. We are the feelers, healers, creators, and guides and we need rest to process everything that was taken in. We need to unplug and we need to be alone, connecting to nature every day. 

I remember before my own personal work I was hiding my sensitivity, feeling shame about it, as if there was something wrong with me. I know so many of us have done that or are still doing that and it makes me so sad! What we are doing in our Sensitive Empowerment Community is so important. By normalizing and validating our experiences we are creating new, positive, more accurate representations of sensitivity.

We might feel guilty for not having the energy for everything that needs to get done. Or maybe we feel guilty that we don’t want to go to something or we want to leave early. Or want to sleep separately, have our own rooms, live separately from partners, and receive messages that somehow that’s a negative. I would like to share that that is not a negative. Anything that supports your highest level of wellness is a good thing.

There’s so much to say on the subject! I want to hear what your challenges are with guilt and shame. Have you released them? How so? What helped you overcome them? Let’s have some conversations about this with each other! ❤️

Here are responses from some of our Sensitive Empowerment Community members.

• For me, the hardest is that I seem to have picked up these messages of how I "should be" or "should do" or "be doing". It created so many inner critic comments when I don't do that, or hesitate because I am not sure what I want. That brings in guilt and shame. That I am doing it wrong or not have a clear goal with life. I am still working on trying to release these thoughts and find my own voice. ♥️

• I’ve felt similarly regarding my low pain threshold. After a couple of terrible experiences with not being given enough anesthesia, I realized I needed to be assertive and speak up ahead of time. I did this for a recent injection and was given an extra topical anesthetic, which worked. I’ve also been giving out Julie’s letter to medical professionals with all positive responses.

• The most effective strategy for me in releasing guilt and shame has been assertiveness. Each time I am clear and direct about my needs I let go of a bit more guilt and shame. I am so grateful that so far the response has been positive. I’ve been taking it very slowly with this process and building up my confidence with people who I already trust have my best interest at heart.

• Great topic, and so real.  One thought around this (but there are many), is that I feel guilty if I bring up my sensitivities too often with people.  It feels like I'm preaching to them, or that it's always about me and what I need.  These are the messages I've received in response to bringing forth my needs and sensitivities.  People get sick of hearing it and having to accommodate and change their lives to work around mine.  This is a tough one for me, so I'm careful how often I bring it up.

• I took some time today to ask myself whether or not I felt any guilt or shame about being HSP and my way of living and I cannot find much at the moment.   I have been practicing accepting and loving myself for a long time now and having lots of self-compassion.   I believe that what helped me was the difficult experiences that I had.  I completely allowed myself to need what I needed (more rest, solitude, self-care, a slower pace of life, daily meditation) and people know that about me.  It is just a fact and my lifestyle now for many years.   Those experiences were very difficult but there was that gift of self-love, self-acceptance, and compassion that came with them.  BUT, I still feel some shame around my body and I am working at loving and accepting myself.  What helps me is to imagine that I have the most loving, supporting friend by my side, looking at me lovingly.   

• I have realized that my main difficulty at the moment, is the residual fear of being hurt emotionally by some family members.  I am still afraid to be criticized by them.  I am afraid of feeling their angry energy, coldness, and even malevolence.    I am helped by realizing that I can always protect myself now and remove myself from a toxic situation.   Set clear boundaries!   So, feeling safe and protected are the things that I need to work on now more than guilt and shame.   I wish to become really clear and confident that I can stand up for myself and not let "emotional wounding " happen again or go unnoticed, unacknowledged... I wish to trust that I will stand up for myself and not freeze like in the past... and let people hurt me emotionally with their words, criticism.  It is a work in progress... 

• I just wanted to say that I just remembered your beautiful meditation to heal a hurting heart.  I just realized that even if I can protect myself from certain people, distance myself, say "no"... It does not make me immune to feeling things deeply and experiencing difficult emotions...it is just part of life and being human.  I realized that the key is to accept the emotions that come and go (with lots of love, gentleness, and compassion), and know that I can be there for myself in those moments.  And also find support.  I have realized that my biggest fear was to feel the painful feelings of not feeling loved by some family members...To feel their disapproval, judgment, "unlove" or to have my trust betrayed.   I am in the process of accepting that these relationships are the way they are and become a lot more realistic.  I feel that I have made huge realizations today because of your post!  Lots of growth and new levels of awareness!  :)    

• I am learning how incredibly important it is for me to have time alone and not feel as if I have to spend this time in a certain way. I'm a lot better at recognizing these things now and I was able to just acknowledge it and let it go through simply continuing on with what I was doing to honor myself around a very busy time. Whether intentional or unintentional, I think honoring needs around family is possibly the most challenging.

• I have been only aware of how deeply rooted shame is for me in the past couple of years. I have also only really accepted that I am an HSP Empath this year so my journey feels quite new (though I have been active in inner work for 20+ years). My parents (like so many others of their generation) had absolutely no idea ‘what to do with me’. I have so many strong memories of being alone in my bedroom, feeling like I was being ‘eaten’ by my emotions. I really thought I was crazy and weak and these became my beliefs because I couldn’t make sense of my world. Because I had no understanding of HSPs and what they need, I constructed this coping strategy of being busy, achieving, and overthinking. I feel like this year has been a significant turning point in my healing of shame and also learning about HSP and accepting myself as an HSP. I still have work to be done but I am starting to be able to be with shame with some warmth (rather than absolutely freaking out and adding shame for feeling shame!) to myself. One foot in front of the other. I am grateful to have found this community because there is nothing more healing than to feel validated and connected to like-minded people who understand.

• Wow. An image that came to mind as I was reading this is that of the healer/spiritual leader in a tribe taking time for solitude, prayer, rest, and contemplation, and that person plus all the members of the tribe recognize and honor that person's need for that time. No guilt. And yet, if we HSPs were the ones who likely fulfilled those roles millennia ago... how far we may have come from that. I definitely struggle with this almost obsession to be busy, to be productive, and it often comes at the expense of self-care. I am much more consistent w/ self-care than I was even 6 months ago but it's still difficult to choose myself over these external things.

What would you add? We love hearing from you in the comments!

We would also love to invite you to join the Sensitive Empowerment Community where we can continue our personal growth

---

Want more tools?

---

Bio

Julie Bjelland is a psychotherapist specializing in high sensitivity, founder of Sensitive Empowerment, Author of The Empowered Highly Sensitive Person, and host of The HSP Podcast. She’s regularly featured in international podcasts, articles, and as an expert speaker. Her books, blog, online courses, free Masterclasses, and Sensitive Empowerment Community have helped thousands of highly sensitive people (HSPs) worldwide reduce their challenges, access their gifts, and discover their significant value to thrive to their fullest potential. Her HSPs in Business Group connects and supports HSPs, offers referrals, collaborations, networking, and free listings on her public HSP Practitioners directory, HSPs to Interview Directory, and HSPs in Business Directory. Julie loves mentoring and empowering sensitive people, and especially women in business. Her HSP Dating Group is a safe space bringing together conscious, kind, caring, sensitive people, offering both hetero and LGBTQ+ Directories for HSPs. JulieBjelland.com❤️🌈❤️ (she/her)