Are You "Shoulding" All Over Yourself? by Julie Bjelland, LMFT

We've all been there: the nagging voice in our heads telling us we "should" do this or "should" have done that. It's a common trap, especially for sensitive and neurodivergent individuals, where the weight of expectations—both internal and external—can feel overwhelming. This phenomenon, often called "shoulding," can be incredibly detrimental to our mental and emotional well-being.

What is "Shoulding"?

"Shoulding" is a term used to describe the habit of constantly telling ourselves what we should or shouldn't be doing, often based on societal expectations, past experiences, or unrealistic standards. Phrases like "I should be more productive," "I should have handled that situation better," or "I shouldn't feel this way" are common examples.

The Impact on Sensitive and Neurodivergent Individuals

For sensitive and neurodivergent individuals, the impact of "shoulding" can be even more profound. Our heightened sensitivity means we are more attuned to perceived or real criticism and more likely to internalize these "shoulds" as failures or inadequacies. This can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and anxiety, further perpetuating a cycle of negative self-talk.

Breaking the Cycle

1. Recognize the "Shoulds": The first step in breaking the cycle is to become aware of how often you use "should" in your self-talk. Keep a journal for a week and note down every instance. You'll likely be surprised by how frequently it occurs.

2. Challenge the "Shoulds": Once you're aware of these "shoulds," start challenging them. Ask yourself why you believe you should do or feel a certain way. Are these expectations realistic? Are they based on your values or someone else's?

3. Reframe Your Thoughts: Replace "should" statements with kinder, more realistic ones. Instead of saying, "I should be more productive," try, "I would like to be more productive, and I will take small steps towards that goal." This shift can reduce the pressure and make your goals feel more attainable.

4. Practice Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself. Remember that it's okay to have off days and that perfection is not the goal. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a close friend.

5. Set Boundaries:  Learn to say no to others and your own unrealistic expectations. Prioritize your well-being and give yourself permission to rest and recharge.

Moving Forward

Breaking the habit of "shoulding" all over yourself won't happen overnight, but with patience and practice, you can cultivate a more compassionate and supportive inner dialogue. Remember, it's about progress, not perfection. Embrace your sensitivity as a strength and honor your own unique journey.

Questions for Reflection:

1. What are some "should" statements you often tell yourself, and how do they affect your well-being?

2. Have you tried reframing your "shoulds"? If so, what has worked for you?

3. How do you practice self-compassion in your daily life?

4. What positive changes might you see if you stop “shoulding” all over yourself? 😃❤️

I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences! Share your reflections in the comments below.

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I’m Julie Bjelland, LMFT

A sensitive, late-diagnosed autistic, licensed psychotherapist and author. As the founder of Sensitive Empowerment, I specialize in supporting highly sensitive and neurodivergent individuals. I host a podcast ranked in the top 1.5% globally, where I share insights and strategies to help sensitive people thrive. With over 20 years of experience, I aim to empower others by providing tools, resources, and a supportive community fostering growth and well-being. Through my practice and the Sensitive Empowerment community, I aim to help individuals harness their sensitivity as a strength and live fulfilling, authentic lives. LGBTQIA+ Affirming. For more information, visit www.juliebjelland.com.

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